I’m sitting in my living room in the early morning hours. Coffee brewing, praise and worship {for kids} on in the background. Baby in my arms. She is 6 months old. How can that be possible? Can I borrow the remote from the movie Click and hit the pause button for like the next decade or two? But I stop and think:
This is holy. This place. This moment.
I look at my sweet little girl. Â “Original sin? Nahhh doesn’t exist. She is perfect.”
I say out loud to her “I love you so much. You could commit the worst crime in life and I would still love you. But I know you won’t because you’re perfect.”
And I think that’s probably how God loves us and how beautiful is it when one of His children returns to Him? Â And I start to ponder…
Here is this angel in my arms. This perfect unadulterated angel. Then I look at the world I live in. Southern California. Pacific Beach.  Naked women every where.  The norm here is typically more than half naked women walking around. Both breast and bottom out for the world to see and I hold my daughter tight.
Before my husband left I thought it was funny when he would see things like that on Instagram or just while we were out and he would hold Isla and say “you will never be like _____, I am going to love you too much to let that happen. I’m going to let you know every day your beauty isn’t seen but lies in your character.”
And I sigh…how beautiful? And it’s true. I married a guy who truly appreciates the female sexuality in ALL it has to offer. In its truest most holy meaning. Yes, we initially liked each other because we were attracted to each other but we LOVE each other because we have common ground.  Morals. Values. Beliefs and the same desires for our life. We encourage one another to be the best version of ourselves. That’s love. Not in looks but in heart.
The night I met my husband we were at a bar in PB.  I was the only woman dressed in jeans and a long sleeved shirt…and even I thought I was crazy because it was mid-May and seriously warm outside.  But I’m committed to modesty…even in a bathing suit.
That night my modest attire is what drew my husband to me. Â What lead us to ditch the bar where all our friends resided and sit on the roof top to talk. He was use to the half dressed women he casually met on the weekends in PB, but that wasn’t what he wanted for life.
We {Chase & I} Â are not perfect. We have made many mistakes that I have had to personally reconcile with God. We made many mistakes together and as individuals, many many…but in those moments, on the roof top, I knew the true character of this guy. Because the 3 other amazing, beautiful women I was with {who he had known for a couple months before I met him} did not trip his trigger. Because he was looking for something more. Something not seen but of the heart. And so was I.
I pray my daughter find that someday. That she stand her ground on who she is. That her beauty lies in her brains, character, morals and not her abbs, butt, and breasts. And so I sit in this holy moment and I hold this LITERALLY perfect human. Â What sin does she have? None? I start to survey all of my past and current sins and I plead for forgiveness and a changed heart. So that I may be the perfect role model for my daughter. Although perfection isn’t possible I pray for some serious heart changes I know I am in need of for her.
And someday I hope she desires to be modest. That she loves other people around her who are not modest but leads by example. Which would make her a better person than I am. And what more can we ask for our children? Except that we teach them and they absorb it and they are better than we are? Yeah. That’s good.
Isla Jane, I pray you would find your own faith. That you wouldn’t simply claim a belief and it end there but that your behavior would reflect that your heart belongs to Him first. And that no man could penetrate your heart until he proves himself worthy
{Also your daddy’s gun collection and job may steer away any suitor until you move out and I’m really sorry about that ahead of time…well maybe not really but kind of}. Â
I pray you know grace and forgiveness and you never let the weight of shame hold you down as I have. Â I know, sweet angel, that you are only 6 months old, but I pray as you grow you would learn to stand up for your beliefs even if it makes you unpopular. Â Even if it means you don’t partake {Your daddy is great at this…learn from him}. I pray that where I fail as a mommy you would find truth in Him and His Word and you would not grow weary.
And in these quiet morning hours I think to myself {How can I be all that she needs? Is it possible?}
Probably not. But He can be and all I can do is lead her to Him and pray that my love lets her feel accepted and safe. Â {Again, your daddy is really great at that. Learn from him. In my darkest hour he has shown me the greatest love}.
Grace, sweet baby.  There is always always always grace. You can never run out of it.  But don’t assume that means you can live a reckless life.  There is grace for those in Him. In Him.  Learn what that means.
ALSO, I pray you have many adventures. That FUN is in your future. Daddy & I will travel to the ends of the Earth with you so you know ALL life has to offer outside of your home.
And sweet baby Isla here is what I want for your life:
LEARN from your surroundings. Don’t blindly believe. Don’t even believe what I believe just because. LEARN for yourself.
Be KIND. Not everyone believes the same things. As a daughter of the King, no matter what someone’s life is, or what they believe, be KIND to everyone.
LOVE everyone. You are not “The Judge” but you are to love. It’s the truest form of our faith. LOVE.
Build lasting FRIENDSHIPS. Â With people who love and support you enough to give you TRUTH.
EXPLORE, and never stop.
THINK, and research and journey and learn and never ever stop expanding your brain and who you are.
READ, read endless amounts of books {again, like your daddy}.
RESPECT, others and yourself. Â Your body is a temple. Don’t just let anyone wonder around it.
RESERVE your heart for someone deserving of it. I promise you he is out there.  It may take many years to be found but he will find you.
PRAY, and communion with God. It’s okay to be baffled and confused. A lot of my prayers start with “What the heck, God? Why?”
Be JOYFUL, in HOPE, PATIENT in affliction and faithful in PRAYER. It’s all I can ask of you.
Be PATIENT, I promise 16, 18, 21, 25 they all come and go so quickly. Instead of hoping for tomorrow LIVE in today and absorb all the wonderful blessings at your feet. Even if it’s a hard day. Even if you’re lonely, single, jobless, heartbroken. There is always room to…
Be THANKFUL. Always. The joy of the Lord surpasses all human understanding.Â
DON’T be placed in a box or be told who to be. Explore everything in LIFE and be what you want to be. I don’t care if you don’t go to college. Follow your heart.  You can be a lawyer, The President, or a stay at home mommy, as long as it is what your heart desires; mommy will be happy if you are 🙂
Daddy openly hopes you don’t like boys. It’s a funny joke but I think he is being for real.  So rest easy, sweet angel, knowing that we accept who ever you are in life. No matter what.  We love you endlessly.
I hope daddy and I are around until you are an old women having your own babies. Because I could never imagine you lonely. Â And even though we cannot be there for you always, He can. Â So sweet baby girl all I can pray for is you learn that He will never leave you or forsake you, even if it feels that way.
In a world marked by a twisted form of sexuality I pray you find the true meaning of it in Him. And you would hold onto it forever. And while I know you’ll have doubts I pray you listen to that still voice inside you that leads you back to Him.
And sweet girl daddy & I will always always be here for you.
You, Isla Jane, have changed me to my core. Â You have made me a better women. Your daddy has made me a better women. God just keeps growing my heart through you both.
I love you forever,
Mommy xo