So today I had a pretty rough day. Nothing exceptionally terrible happened or anything out of the ordinary. I just had a really tough day. At work: an endless to do list. At home: my daughter. I have a really great job that adds purpose and hope to my life. It has been a joy and privilege to work for this company. But there is something about having a baby at home that just twists my heart. So today as I helped Briana with Physics, Thor with Math, and Jessica with Biology, I couldn’t help but think what I would really like to be doing is reading “Goodnight Moon” to my 5 month old. Or maybe kissing her belly. Walking with her to the park. Singing her songs. Spending time teaching her.  Instead I am here. With other kids. Awesome kids. But not my kid.

Not to mention I’m almost 4 months into my life without my husband. As he is on the other side of the world. A man who, as you know, has been the greatest blessing of my life. I’ve said it before so I’ll say it again, being a single parent is a rough business. Only a select few people truly understand what it is like to go days in and out without your husband. Alone with your darling(s).  It’s a rough business.

So it was a hard day. It’s been a hard month. A hard 4 months. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking and walking. Always alone. Always in solitude. And Between You and I sometimes I doubt God and His goodness. His faithfulness. His ability to heal. His desire for good things in my life. I have a constant battle in my head “Is God really good?” I struggle and wrestle with my faith.

Faith.
Faith.
Faith.
I have to say it over and over again. What is my faith? WHERE is my faith?

I close my eyes. Inhale. Try to pray.
I see my friends blog. I see her heart breaking words. Words of tremendous loss. 3 babies to be exact.  And my heart aches.  I get updates from one of my best friends, Kelli. Who has suffered the past 7 years of her life with Lupus. It seems to only get worse. Now she waits for a transplant. And my heart aches. I think of a woman’s blog I follow. She had a baby around the same time I did. But she doesn’t have a baby anymore. My heart aches.

And between you and I, I just simply do not understand. Faith. Have faith.  Where is my faith?

I can’t tell you why bad things happen to good people. But I do know this “What Satan intends for evil God uses for good” and even in the worst times we have hope and hope does not disappoint us. {Romans 5} I’ve watched God do this in my own life. When I opened my hands and let go of everything I was holding on to, trying to control, God changed the mess that was my life into something amazing. But as we all know, this isn’t always the case. And false hope can kill us. Faith you just have to have faith. Trust in the Lord. And I wrestle with this statement and I ask God “how?”

Understandably, we have problems to solve on a daily basis; however, this passage is talking about something deeper. Suffering. It happens a lot. It feels pointless. But where is our hope? Faith. I have to believe there is something greater than me. That God is greater. That He is good. No, I don’t have to believe it I choose to believe it. But does that make the suffering any easier? Usually not. But it does give us hope and hope does not disappoint us. It grows our faith. In plants our roots deeper and deeper into the truth.

But I still sit there in my room. Looking at pictures of my husband. And I’m restless. And my faith is weak.  And Between you and I, I doubt.  I doubt a lot of things.

And then I think…

I think as Christians, pain and suffering are some of the hardest things to deal with. It shrinks our trust in people and in God.  But it is not meant to shrink it but to grow it. In Romans 5 we are told that suffering builds our character, which in turn gives us hope.  And when all is said and done our faith maybe ragged, torn, and ugly. But there is hope.  Hope that God is still doing good things.

Joy doesn’t just come to us. Faith isn’t the easiest thing to grasp. I don’t know a single Christian that hasn’t wrestled with God. Questioned the suffering. We have to make a choice.  Wrestling with all of these is us choosing. It is our faith. 

So when my day ends and I wrestle with God and look at my life I have a choice to make.  So I sit in the rocking chair in my babies nursery and I read her “Goodnight Moon” before bed. She giggles. She kisses. She looks at me.

I inhale. Hold my breath. This is good. She is good. And I exhale.

And then I pray for the mommy who has lost her baby. Pray for what? I’m not sure. But I pray. That just maybe there would be peace; and perhaps someday, joy.

Because God gives us hope and hope does not disappoint.

I pray that today you can sit back in the midst of your suffering and inhale deeply all the grace and hope God offers us. And it’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to wrestle. It’s okay for your faith to be ugly. Be kind to yourself. Absorb all that grace has to offer.

Love,
J