It’s probably one in the morning.  But I don’t want to look at my phone because if it is 1am it will just remind me that I’m still awake and not sleeping.  My mind is on. My heart pounds quickly. “I just want to sleep” I think to myself as my husband sleeps soundly.  How? How can I sleep when there is always a constant movement of worry and anxiety in my mind.  An endless to do list that never goes away and somehow never gets done.

My husband is home safe, check. My daughter is happy, healthy, and a great sleeper, check check.  I have a wonderful job, check.  I have a great start to this writing gig, check. The support I feel from my friends is unexplainable, check.  I’m not in debt, check. So what is it?

Do you ever find yourself lying awake at night with every worry of the day running through your mind?  Things you should have done differently. People you think you may have offended.  Words you want to say but cannot? Words you have said and wish you could take back? Exhale.

I think of our wedding song:

“In your darkest hour | I’ll love you still | I have and I always will”

Your darkest hour.  My darkest hour is now. My life has been a whirlwind the past year. Transitions. Marriage. Birth of a child. Deployment. Return from deployment. Two moves.

Exhale & inhale….don’t forget to breath.

I inhale so deep that I can’t inhale anymore. Hold my breath. Let it go.

Deployment took a toll on me in a weird way.  I’ve heard other wives express that it takes some adjusting when your husband returns from deployment, however, I was so exhausted from being a single parent I couldn’t imagine feeling that way.  But here I am.  Feeling that way.  Luckily, my husband, and our marriage, is based on mutual trust and respect so I’ve never felt bad about expressing how I feel and my husband has always been completely understanding. Even when I don’t express things in love he has always shown me grace.  Grace, such a powerful thing. With out it I’m not sure how a marriage could work. 

Who would have thought I would have to express how annoyed I was that he loaded the dishwasher a weird way?  And you may think that’s dumb but after you’re used to doing everything on your own for 1/2 of a year and someone steps in to help you…you’d be surprised that the first thing you notice is not that he has helped you but that he has helped you wrong.  Doesn’t make sense does it?  Yeah, when I say it out loud it sounds ridiculous. But it’s my truth.

It’s hard to “air your dirty laundry” and with social media out there there is a lie looming about us that a good marriage means a perfect marriage.  Well all you married people who have good marriages know that’s not true.  So I feel okay telling you this. About my struggle with anxiety and these new adjustments we have to face as a family.  But the greatest part of this season of life is that in my darkest hour my husband has shown me the most grace. 

It’s freeing to let people know you’re struggling.  What a weird season of life to be in, right? It’s like a first date all over again but 1000000000 times more serious 😉

Deployment also did something really good for my soul.  It gave my husband and I a really tight bond.  It grew my trust in him in ways I cannot express.  Before he left I always had doubts in my head. As a military wife you see some pretty unbelievable things and you just hope and pray that you don’t end up that way.  For some reason deployment made me trust my husband 10 times more than I ever have before.

I’m no marriage expert and Chase and I have had our share of difficult times whether it be addictions, honesty, or difficultly with communication. But I do know this: Jesus tells us to “Love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sin” 1 Peter 4:8

So when we do hurt each other or when we feel disappointed we remind ourselves of grace. Because we will fall short. We will sin. We will disappoint our spouse. And the grace that has been freely given to us is the grace we ought to give one another.  I’ve failed a thousand times and I know there will be many more to come. So I’m thankful for grace.

Deployment also made me appreciate the man he is. He stands for something and he’s never shied away from that.

What I’ve taken away from my first year of marriage, our first child, and our first deployment is grace.  Grace does something to a person.  When another person shows you grace you feel lighter somehow.

It’s been the craziest year of my life. It’s been the hardest year of my life. I’ve had more transitions & adjustments in one year then I’ve ever experienced in my 28 years on this Earth.  Luckily, I’ve found a partner who will stand by my side, close by my side, and walk me through every dark hour I meet. My husband is definitely the better half of me and has shown me how to love someone even when they are in their darkest season of life.  Love you boo.

J xoxo